#masculinity


Tango of the Wounded Healer – Embracing Bravery

TBHAs with any new skill, trade or information it takes a moment to get to grips with it. Firstly it’s how does it work, followed by what does this do and so it goes on. It’s the same thing when you discover that you’re what’s known as a Wounded Healer. Now to be honest I started at “There’s no such thing”, before I travelled into “This must be a bad thing” before finally arriving at “It’s a brave thing to be here” because being A Wounded Healer is an absolute privilege.

 

TBHHowever, at first I really didn’t understand the concept or what I was meant to do with this knowledge, particularly when you don’t know what to call it. This is one part of this that I have really struggled with for as long as I care to remember. When I began this journey, I started with the SNU (Spiritualist National Union), thinking that this would be the way to go and I had my first brush with abuses of power, but also with what it was possible for me to do.

 

Granted the entire experience was unpleasant, but it was my first brush with being a Wounded Healer. Since that first encounter there have been times when I have walked, then ran in the opposing direction, only to discover that it was always the right direction.

 

(c)2011/10 gdj.graphicdesignjunction.com What I didn’t grasp at that time is the path, this Golden path we all seem to walk, it isn’t one way. The biggest and possibly worst assumption that we can make collectively is that just because linear time dictates that we can not go back in years, doesn’t mean that our path is like that. We can move forward and we can move back along the path, it’s already perfect so there is no way to make a mistake and even if that were to happen, it is already perfect and so it is not a mistake but something to learn from.

 

Even when I turned my back, stopped listening to my calling; a way was found to return me because that was how I was always going to be. It was how it was meant to be, I was still on my Golden Path, all I had done was stepped through the mirror and onto another branch of it, a bit like Alice going through the looking glass; at the other end another mirror and back out on the journey. The lesson being, you can pause, have a breath but sooner or later you will be following your calling.

 

If I am honest until around 7 years ago, I would never have accepted that this was my calling. However there are pivotal moments that completely change you, open you to the possibilities that you have a fated life or a destiny (depending on if you believe in such things). I have often crossed paths with destiny; meeting my husband, meeting my extended family because of a spilt drink and then meeting amazing people through an open invite to my wedding on Social Media.

 

Moments that have changed the course of my life for the better, these moments feel like stepping through mirrors as part of this Golden Path, because sometimes a crossroads or a meeting with Destiny, is fated to change everything. This year has really been a time for release, a time for shedding and a time for letting go of old stagnated energies. So much of this would not have been possible without support from my family, from my husband and mum in particular.

 

(c)2012 Pablo LeboTheir unwavering belief and support has made it okay for me to just let go and be me, to release all the baggage and responsibility that comes with seeing the world differently. I have been dancing to a very intricate tango, learning the moves as I have danced but never felt brave enough to take the lead, until today.

 

The tango is very much like YinYang, for the dance to succeed one must have dominance but rather than the other being subservient, they must bend like a reed in the wind and be supple. The dance originally was between two men, locked in a dance both equals and yet during the dance the roles change as to who is leading who. As Yin will surrender to Yang, so does Yang surrender to Yin, it is the way balance is maintained. It is the way of the Dance.

 

My dance has been about acceptance, understanding that I am a Wounded Healer. Having the understanding of others pain, hurt and loss as well as their joys, loves and journey to beauty.

 

The Wounded Healer, doesn’t try to fix, mend or dictate how another soul should be, instead the Wounded Healer, holds space. The healer will embrace and meet the person where they are and act as a guide. We embrace our bravery and understand that we are reluctant to walk in a world that does not understand us yet, but then in order to heal the wounds that other do not see, we must walk the paths that others cannot know.


No Such Thing As A Toxic Man…

venting time

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It is not that often that I take to my site and speak my mind, it’s not that often that I have call to speak my mind if I am honest, but recently I find that there are have been a spate articles that are dehumanising and belittling men and masculinity. I tend to call it the Trunchbull Effect or the Matilda Syndrome, it derives from that saying “I’m Big, You’re Small…” or “I’m right and you’re wrong…” today I came across this notion of ‘Toxic Masculinity‘ and that was enough.

 

 

Toxic Masculinity‘ in a nutshell is another constructed form of gender stereotyping, where it is defining how masculinity is perceived and how a man should act in accordance with archaic societal expectations that are only perpetuated by Hollywood and the Media at large. Gender stereotyping is about as backwards as you get. That is of course unless you work in Social sciences, Print or Broadcasting Media, in which case gender is used to profile, stereotype and target sell to as much of the populus as possible but generally speaking it is as much use as a chocolate teapot!

 

 

reflection

Before I continue, I’d like to point out that I have never really had a male role model outside of family. I learnt how not to be masculine through the education system and also learnt that no matter how much I would have liked to have been supported at school and even college; it wasn’t going to happen because of the laws and by-laws that were inbuilt to the education system and also Scots Laws as well, and they would not be repealed until the turn of the century, but thanks to those laws and by-laws I learnt about how not to be a man of that time, and as I hold up a mirror and watch the reflections being cast, I see now that I have a lot of be thankful for even through the bullying.

 

 

bull

Although I was told that I wasn’t a lot of things either verbally or non-verbally through being bullied, I also realised that it was just enough pain to forge the strength that I have now; that because of the by-laws and laws of that time, they did me a solid in that I learnt how to be my kind of human, and my kind of man. One with just enough of everything to be rounded and just enough ‘damage’ to be driven to move forward.

 

 

The only trouble was that until recently I never really fully appreciated the life lessons from these experiences. I was too limited in my view of my experiences; school hasn’t really taught me much, a great deal of my numeracy skills came from having to work with colours, perm lotions and peroxide strengths for a few years. As for my literacy skills they have come from writing dissertations for family, projects for college and the occasional NaNOWri or feature length story arcs on forums. True school and college taught me about reading, my dyslexia, dyscalculia and dyspraxia as well. However bullying at college level taught me about just how toxic femininity can be as well, its not easy being the only man on a hairdressing course and being turned into public enemy for no other reason than because I was male; however in 2017, it’s not permissible to suggest that just as there is a Toxic Masculinity there is also a Toxic Femininity.

 

 

noface

What I find very troubling these days is that how much of a mirror I am witnessing, except this mirrored reflection is showing me that this ‘attack’ against masculinity is insipid, because it is two pronged; on the one side you have the ‘men did this’ meaning rape, murder, subjugation etc but also you have the ‘be a man’ where men have to be the providers, progenitors of the family line, kings, soldiers etc essentially men are told they aren’t allowed to have emotions. This is the type of message that I kept getting through school, college and even to some degree the career or working world. At no time was I told that I could have the career path that I am forging now. The concept of Toxic isn’t just limited to one gender it is a systemic flaw in the way society works, it is not about acceptance it is about fitting in, the tactics of the bully have just changed to fit the times.

 

 

book

It took a lot for me to rediscover myself, I’ve had to readdress the inner balance, hold myself into account for all my actions, both the best and the worst; I had permitted society to dictate my ‘normal’ and I believed that I was the worst, the worst driver because I wasn’t going as fast as others, the worst at being in business because I don’t use Facebook, Twitter or the many other platforms or because I keep my prices low, even though I know my worth. I also noticed that Society tried to dictate how I was supposed to love as well, and by that I was supposed to marry, have a child to a woman and so on, but as it happens I chose to marry a man and we intend to have children when the time is right for us.

 

 

This is where Gender Toxicity becomes Toxic Society, because the archaic ideals are being perpetuated by institutions that haven’t grown or evolved. Yes there are plenty of wonderfully fluffy or scary articles on the subject of human evolution or raising awareness but normally they are right along side those wonderfully targeted adverts for – INSERT ANY OLD BRAND NAME HERE – and they’ll excuse it because they need the revenue, umm no! If you were that evolved or that caring about your fellow human you wouldn’t have them. Let me clarify something before I move on, there are those who make their living from using advertising; that is a conscious choice made by an individual. The type of article I refer to are the clickbait, where it is a rehash telling of another article on another site usually owned by the same parent company…

 

 

chest

It is not that surprising to me that as we progress, there is a need for connection on a realistic level; however we are not taught to connect neither at the human level or the intimate level; everything I learnt about intimacy was either through books, videos or pornography, yes that’s right more so when I wanted to learn how I should be with a man, I had to rely on How to Videos, Pornography and Women’s Magazines, we are not taught how to be intimate with others or even how to have a human experience with another, all that is out there is how to make babies and do it doggy style because that is how afraid the archaic system is of human connection.

 

 

Imagine what would be to feel and be in perfection with another? True perfection, at the moment we glamourise and sexualise practically everything, from sexualised Tarot Cards to sexualising children for the purposes of looking good while performance dancing and yet this is normalised and excused. There is nothing wrong with performance dancing, gymnastics or anything else for that matter I used to figure skate when I was a lot younger, the point that I am trying to get across is that as soon as you put out there on the Televisual media, as soon as you put it into a glossy magazine, they are looking to sexualise and glamourise it up so as to get ratings; it is no longer about a troupe doing routines it becomes about how eye catching and glamorous children as young as 3 or 5 can be for a television executive and their camera.

 

 
stupid

I didn’t start out writing this proclaiming to know all the answers, nor did I start out with the intention of defending all men; I started out with one aim, to point out the inherent flaws in clickbait articles, gender pigeon holing, stereotyping and also to point out that both genders can be just as toxic as each other but the Politically Correct brigade and their censorship police would rather men and masculinity be the problem rather than the society and the bully mentality that exists within it. The mindset is so entrenched in holding back the years, creating barriers to genuine connection, awareness of human sexuality and true intimacy that the whole idea of gender is become fluid, which in itself is awesome and scares the old guard, gender is just another barrier, holding the old ways in place.

 

 

Imagine what would be to feel and be in perfection with another? This is not about raging against the machine, anarchy or devolution of society, as some might think. The whole point is this – We have our laws to keep us safe, stifling though they are at times as long as we understand their place and value, we just get on with our lives in all their glorious technicolour; we drive at the right speeds, do business as we see fit and avoid the clickbait articles as much as possible. It is time acknowledge that there is a whole culture of sexualisation for profit and start moving on towards openness. If we are to survive then we need to move out of the past, give history its place and start forging a new mindset. Start by embracing this notion that sexuality isn’t dirty and it doesn’t revolve around gender, porn or glossy imaging; it is time to start stepping into our awareness that we are more than just a some of our parts and more than just parts to someone else’s ideology of society.

 

 

overloaded

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