Jay’s Musings


Show and Tell – What Makes a Teacher   Recently updated !

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TBHSocial media and the internet is awash with all kinds of courses, books and people that are ready to change your life but at a price. There are life, spiritual and religious guru’s aplenty just waiting at the click of the mouse to ‘fix’ you and there in rests the first problem, this idea that life in some way needs an external ‘fix’ – we’re not a set of pipes nor do we have copper wiring and I am not speaking for anyone else as I say this but I am certainly not in need of neutering either!

 

TBHIt’s not that I actually have an issue with any of it, for a lot of people out there it works but for everyone else it doesn’t. In many ways handing over our sovereignty that is to say our supreme power or authority that governs and defines who we are; to someone else is a huge deal and there are no certainties that once that is done they are going to treat it with respect, despite what their words say. I have experienced both the good and the bad of doing this in my 40 odd years upon this planet so far, the bad was not pleasant in the slightest but the good actually helped but only because I allowed the good to happen.

The biggest question that have encountered is what makes a good teacher? My honest answer is someone that doesn’t need the title for anything other than advertising purposes. Telling is one thing but showing is another, many tell their viewing audience but very little show. Telling your audience how good you are or how good they can be is fine, its very much like a presentation; anyone can throw together a power-point, get books printed off and book a room. I should know I have done it! I have been that guy, the teller, the fixer rather than the shower.

 

TBHAssuming that you have stayed with this, let me explain a bit about the idea behind show and tell. It’s a familiar term from school days, where you’d be asked to do a project or bring in something personal to tell the others in your class about. It’s a similar idea, showing is a bit like I do one, and then others do it after me and as for telling, well that is more about explaining and painting a picture with words, its not that effective and not all the information is retained. It’s a common thing in some colleges and Universities, depending on the subject matter.

 

I recognise that part of my work is to pass on knowledge and to be begin with I really thought that I had it sussed, I taught development with an open and friendly way, treating everyone the same. To my detriment I learnt that sometimes people only want to be your friend in order to profit from that kindness and then pass it off as their own and in all fairness I didn’t protect myself against that until it was too late in the day to do anything. What I discovered from the experience was that I had an unhealthy auto-response, which was to apologise even through others treated me like shit! However that apologetic auto-response is slowly being replaced, it’s not that I am suddenly becoming a different person, it is just that I am now protecting my work and passion to avoid that same mistake.

 

TBHI have learnt how to be better at passing on my information, the one thing I decided that was best for me was to drop the whole teacher vibe, and instead adopt the Sensei vibe. I find that I am teaching every day, just as I am taught every day, I find that I am in the cycle of show and tell a lot at the moment. Telling I am keeping up my skills and showing when I am working with clients or arranging appointments. I am even showing when I am on platform instead of telling, the showing and teaching comes in the form of the demonstrations of Mediumship and Clairvoyance, the telling comes in as I convey what is needed.

 

I find that as I facilitated Angelic and Usui Reiki, I am not teaching but rather imparting and opening the way through Sacred Space for the sentient energy of Reiki to birth a new adept or practitioner and bring the awareness of Self Mastery to those taking the journey of Mastership in either Reiki practise. When I am doing Trance Workshops, it is very much see one and then do one, I spend very little time telling, asides from the health and safety regulations for the space I am working in. This is how I believe that things should be when it comes to working with groups. Where is the point in sitting in a seat and being bombarded with information? Granted there are some circumstances where that is needed, but even then with a bit of careful planning it can be made for a time when its going to be of benefit rather than at the end of a day, for example.

 

TBHThe biggest tell that someone is just a carbon copy is outdated information or sticking to a prescribed format because it is safe. The best show is someone that takes their learning and owns it, really owns it. Just being in their presence is learning through transmission, watching them work with the techniques is watching an artist at work and then to be able to use that learning and then build on it, now that is learning, showing and what a Sensei or teacher if you will is meant to be. It is how I aim to be, an artist and Sensei of my skills set, when I am teaching I am looking to help others understand from where they are not from where I am. That’s just teaching by rota or parrot, its saying do as I say not as I do. Quite frankly I don’t honestly see what there is to gain from it other than massaging the ego.

 

I am by no means perfect and I am by no means suggesting that Guru’s or Teacher, Coaches or what have you aren’t worth it. Just as I am not suggesting that courses, books and so on can’t make a difference, they can to a degree. It’s the ‘fixing’ that is the bothersome part, we really are the only ones that can do that. We can only fix ourselves with the right tools, and perhaps that is what the teachers, coaches and gurus for tomorrow need to be learning, how to pass on the tools to the ones who will come to them. It is what I do these days, I show my students how to fix their lives, I transmit and through sacred space open their sovereign self to that knowledge in a session or in a workshop help the students to find their meaning and understanding in the time that we spend together, only then will they discover true self and self mastery.

 

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Tango of the Wounded Healer – Embracing Bravery

TBHAs with any new skill, trade or information it takes a moment to get to grips with it. Firstly it’s how does it work, followed by what does this do and so it goes on. It’s the same thing when you discover that you’re what’s known as a Wounded Healer. Now to be honest I started at “There’s no such thing”, before I travelled into “This must be a bad thing” before finally arriving at “It’s a brave thing to be here” because being A Wounded Healer is an absolute privilege.

 

TBHHowever, at first I really didn’t understand the concept or what I was meant to do with this knowledge, particularly when you don’t know what to call it. This is one part of this that I have really struggled with for as long as I care to remember. When I began this journey, I started with the SNU (Spiritualist National Union), thinking that this would be the way to go and I had my first brush with abuses of power, but also with what it was possible for me to do.

 

Granted the entire experience was unpleasant, but it was my first brush with being a Wounded Healer. Since that first encounter there have been times when I have walked, then ran in the opposing direction, only to discover that it was always the right direction.

 

(c)2011/10 gdj.graphicdesignjunction.com What I didn’t grasp at that time is the path, this Golden path we all seem to walk, it isn’t one way. The biggest and possibly worst assumption that we can make collectively is that just because linear time dictates that we can not go back in years, doesn’t mean that our path is like that. We can move forward and we can move back along the path, it’s already perfect so there is no way to make a mistake and even if that were to happen, it is already perfect and so it is not a mistake but something to learn from.

 

Even when I turned my back, stopped listening to my calling; a way was found to return me because that was how I was always going to be. It was how it was meant to be, I was still on my Golden Path, all I had done was stepped through the mirror and onto another branch of it, a bit like Alice going through the looking glass; at the other end another mirror and back out on the journey. The lesson being, you can pause, have a breath but sooner or later you will be following your calling.

 

If I am honest until around 7 years ago, I would never have accepted that this was my calling. However there are pivotal moments that completely change you, open you to the possibilities that you have a fated life or a destiny (depending on if you believe in such things). I have often crossed paths with destiny; meeting my husband, meeting my extended family because of a spilt drink and then meeting amazing people through an open invite to my wedding on Social Media.

 

Moments that have changed the course of my life for the better, these moments feel like stepping through mirrors as part of this Golden Path, because sometimes a crossroads or a meeting with Destiny, is fated to change everything. This year has really been a time for release, a time for shedding and a time for letting go of old stagnated energies. So much of this would not have been possible without support from my family, from my husband and mum in particular.

 

(c)2012 Pablo LeboTheir unwavering belief and support has made it okay for me to just let go and be me, to release all the baggage and responsibility that comes with seeing the world differently. I have been dancing to a very intricate tango, learning the moves as I have danced but never felt brave enough to take the lead, until today.

 

The tango is very much like YinYang, for the dance to succeed one must have dominance but rather than the other being subservient, they must bend like a reed in the wind and be supple. The dance originally was between two men, locked in a dance both equals and yet during the dance the roles change as to who is leading who. As Yin will surrender to Yang, so does Yang surrender to Yin, it is the way balance is maintained. It is the way of the Dance.

 

My dance has been about acceptance, understanding that I am a Wounded Healer. Having the understanding of others pain, hurt and loss as well as their joys, loves and journey to beauty.

 

The Wounded Healer, doesn’t try to fix, mend or dictate how another soul should be, instead the Wounded Healer, holds space. The healer will embrace and meet the person where they are and act as a guide. We embrace our bravery and understand that we are reluctant to walk in a world that does not understand us yet, but then in order to heal the wounds that other do not see, we must walk the paths that others cannot know.


The Rites to Reply: Rest in Pieces the Freedoms of Speech…

TBHWe gather here at this time on this blog to pay our respects; indeed it was this very week that the Freedoms of Speech, departed Social Media. It was an unexpected and untimely passing, which seems for many of us to have gone unnoticed. However, for a great many more, the passing of this beautiful and gracious being has a profound impact. Where there was voice, silence now has lease, where there was once safety, the Sword of Damocles now hangs.

 

TBHThe sense of danger now dangles, upon the last strands of that ancient steed’s hair, as the profiles fade to black. As we gather to remember the Freedom, as it was before the weekend, I am reminded of some words spoken at the time of passing… “When all blame is laid at the feet of the innocents, made to feel responsible for the acts of a few, will that make the world better? When all the responsibility has been handed out, given to all the wrong people, and those who it belongs to are dust, will the world be healed?”

 

TBHAs I look around at the blackened profiles, the sad emojis and the empty comments box, I find that I mourn for that Freedom and I ask “When the last sorry is uttered by the last innocent soul, will forgiveness be given to the forefathers and foremothers? When the last of us stands at the mouth of the dead rain forest, will that valuable contribution online matter? In the echoes, the screams, in our blindness and blame, will the illicit pointed finger of complicitness be as dumbstruck as listening to the power of positive trending?”

 

Peering into the crucible as echoes and the screams of popular finger pointing trends, froths up, boils over; I wonder, will nothing become better? When will the healing be done? Because after the dust has settled and the last sorry whispered at the mouth of the dead trees, no one will know what the foremothers and forefathers taught us. The comments boxes will still be empty, the profiles will still be black and the innocents will have been cast out from Social Media.

 

As the tide of scathing posts and malicious memes scald the blameless, deafen the silent and slaughter innocence, will that satisfy the need for blood? As the last Y and the last X Chromosome are sacrificed upon the altars of The Cyan Bird and The Mighty White F, will that mean all is forgiven? Will that #cleanse and #heal the genderless rift? Will that make the illicitness of being complicity ignorant alright?

 

As we gaze at our brightly lit gods, waiting with heads bowed in silent scrolling, let us hashtag and reflect. Let us post as I read out the last Eulogy and Rites of our beloved Freedom; “Will the crime of having no knowledge punishable through the trail of social media be made better, when the blind author obeys and says sorry through woeful fingers? Will the jury of peers #like or thumbs down, as the last YX child drags his coffin and gets ready to fall upon his password login, before he can grow up and do no harm? and she rises from the ashen pyres of scorn upon scorn for being true to their own knowing, will that allow them to post once again?

 

Lets us depart dear ones, as frenemies; hand in hand and forever distant, separated by the poisoned chalice of social media and let us forget now that each one of us has the Rites of Reply, as we bid farewell and commit The Freedoms of Speech to barren and binary land before us. Remembering how they taught us that If when we post hate online, those words won’t anoint, and the holy waters of comments and likes won’t wash us clean.

 

Instead it will rise up like a tide of poison and try as we might to scream from the bullhorn of perceived justice of being right, the false truth will be strapped to our ankles and as we sink down into the bottomless well of silence; maybe then we will notice how all around, everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless, and maybe then we’ll remember, dear Freedoms of Speech, who is no longer there, because this is after all its last rites.

Amen.


Where Silence Has Lease… (Social Media Needs a Safe Word)…

TBHSocial media needs a safe word, particularly at the moment if you are a man. I guess I have never really noticed or needed to notice this, but over the last year as I have become more at home in my body and with my life, it has become a glaringly obvious light on the dashboard of social media.

 

TBHGranted there are loads of reasons why men need to be vilified and have the “It’s You” finger hovering over them. I am NOT advocating that they shouldn’t but what I am saying is that this cycle of the knee jerk reactions, where men are getting booted in their nuts for being men really needs to end. By all means go after the bastards that have been right fcukers and done horrible things but leave the rest of us alone, we’re not guilty by association, just because we happen to be related by the same kind of genitalia!

 

TBHSince the Harvey Weinstien Scandal broke, social media has started to vilify men! (thanks Harv!). It has happened before, any time a man does something wrong, there is a enmasse cull of any men in that industry, remember Nursery Nursing and Teaching? Now there is a national shortage of men in these sectors, thanks to the knee jerk reaction and the fears of the establishments being sued.

 

(c) msmagazine.com/2011/10/Man-as-Object-Della-Calfee.jpg The interesting flip side to this, is that the male image is still objectified, both men and women seem to accept that it is acceptable to sexualise the stereotypical pretty boy and when it is the same thing done to the image of a woman, a four page spread in every print newspaper and magazine appears, followed by the ten minute segment on every rolling news channel and an entire morning of day time talk shows are devoted to the scandal…

 

In an article from The Telegraph, it points out the Men have become more objectified than Women, and the thought that occured to me was wouldn’t men object? but now I think that any attention is better than all the bashing that seems to be going on at the moment.

 

TBHIn our competition obsessed media world, where the outcries about sexualiation are married to the competition to go see the latest dance troupe in New York, London or somewhere else as part of the all expenses paid holiday of a lifetime and I really don’t think that part of the brain that makes associations engages. After-all sex sells and so money and fit blokes shedding clothing, is a perfect storm for full on objectification, provided that you into that kind of thing; and the makers of these programmes are making that assumption. However it’s a very limited form of objectification, because I get the sense that there are no men allowed at some of these troupe venues, and yet the world outside the dropped thongs and stale whipped creme is a very different place.

 

TBHWhen I began this article, the only emotion that I seemed to be having in my system was severe anger and unhappines at just how unfair social media was being to men, however it seems as if there is more to this than I first realised; men are vicitmised, vilified, objectified, sexualised and they just seem to accept it without speaking out. Gay men, straight men and somewhere in the middle men appear to just be okay with this. However having been victim (✓), villain (✓), the object (✓), and yes even sexualised (✓) I am not okay with it.

 

TBHNone of these are nice, spending 8 (plus) years as the victim of various bullies for being “privileged” at public/state school and being told by authority “You brought this on yourself because of who you are”, being sexualised by the gay scene as “fresh meat” while fending off wandering hands, being shared by two men, meeting the approval of your boyfriends psychotic mother as the objectified older man, and then to be thrust into the role of the villain because of jealousy. So you’ll pardon my anger, when the world of social media decides that men are the scourge of the internet because of the actions of a single solitary man, who can’t keep it in his pants until he gets home to his wife.

 

TBHThe part of this that doesn’t make any of what has happened to me okay, the bit that really set this off is when the #metoo meme started, the origin is simple enough and yes, in context does have the potential to raise awareness of something stagnant and putrid at the heart of Hollywood, this almost culture of passing women and men around the studio execs like they are whorederves, an urban word I grant you but it works for this purpose, which is to point out that there is a dark seedy side to being famous, and its a cycle that is repeating, just as jewish actors and workers were vilified and treated badly in the 1950’s, so to are women and men, but rather than address it, sort it and stop it from ever happening again.

 

TBHIt will become a cycle that will do a couple of rounds in the media until the next expose and then it will be forgotten about until something bigger takes its place and we say “must be a slow news day” to bring this up again. Meanwhile in realms and lands of social media, the objectified man will still be scantily clad, on all fours to be used as a desk or some other adornment, while the rallying cries of ban the bastard will come from others because a man happened to post something on his wall.

 

TBHAs I said at the start, Social media needs a safe word, particularly at the moment because for men silence has lease… and we’re making it okay for the social media dominatrix to be as cruel and wicked as it likes because no safe word was asked for and none was given because the objectified male is already gagged and bound.


Living within the Sacred Possibilities

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I am the first to admit that I haven’t been spending as much time online as I would normally. Partly this is because I am entrenched in case studies & assessments for the Diplomas that I am working towards. However there is perhaps a bit more to it; since really the Meteor shower, Solar Eclipse and the New Moon, I have had this sense of conformity and in essence this structured sense of reality just seemingly dissolve. The more I have sensed, felt and processed my way through this, it’s like there are no boundaries any more. So much of what I thought or considered improbable isn’t and with this new found sense of reality I am coming to terms with the notion that I have made friends with living within the sacred possibilities, and how liberating that is but also just how mindful I need to be as well.

 

 

Truthfully; I would equate this to going through a huge paradigm shift from the belief of being limited or being held back to stepping up. It’s not about doing, fixing or who is bigger, smarter or even who has less and who has more, it’s about really engaging with all aspects, from ego to soul, they’re not to be separated but rather integrated. This life, the people, animals and plants, our whole world is ready to support us in our journey as long as we give back what we take, so a plant for a plant, energy for energy. We live within sacred possibilities every day. It’s about knowledge and knowing what makes you very much you, not about somebody else telling you. Teachers, gurus or whatever should open a door, not stand in it and say its me you should follow.

 

 

From a very early age I always knew that I wanted to be a Wytch; thing was I never really understood what that word in its traditional sense meant. I always had a inner knowing that I wasn’t the same as other kids, and for most of my childhood I was always the outsider and ostracised or bullied for it. I had a very traditional CoS (Church of Scotland) upbringing, went to church on a Sunday, went through Sunday School and then began Bible Classes, but at some point around 13/14 I began to ask the odd questions such as “What if God is an Alien and we’re the science experiment that went ary and he abandoned/left it?” of course that didn’t sit well in Bible Class, and then there was the blatant hypocrisy of the congregation during the coffee morning at the end of the service…

 

 

As the outsider, the kid that spent most of his time alone while the other kids did what other kids did, I actually observed the adults. Thing is no one see a child unless they are doing something that falls outside the normal, so sitting by the service hatch or by the door, walking from one side to the other never registered on their radar and so I got to see adulting in its raw unfiltered form. I realised that there was nothing Christian about their behaviour, instead these were adult children, being mean about each other, talking behind their backs, and effectively being bullies even though they chastise their own for doing it. In that moment of reality I had my first awakening and I did not return to that church or any other for many years.

 

 

During my years of being bullied through high school, I had developed a coping mechanism, which allowed me to essentially exist outside of space-time as it is understood. Within this bubble there was no time, only source and the sentience I called Louise; this was actually my first spiritual guide and teacher (also my first goddess experience). If you think of Louise like Chocky, who was a fictional character from a series of Children’s books that was later serialised for TV, Chocky was a consciousness or guide for at first Matthew and then later a group of children, Chocky taught them about advanced sciences, telekinetics and much more. Then you begin to understand that Louise was my Chocky and she was teaching me about being a Medium, Clairvoyant and also a Wytch as well, although at first it was about guiding me to find the right information and books as the internet was a fictional thing at that time.

 

 

At 16 I never knew that I had Dyslexia or its associated learning difficulties, it would be 6 more years before I would learn about that, all I ever knew was that reading was a pain and I didn’t always recollect things the way I had learnt them. Therefore as I started to learn Tarot, I learnt from the pictures and very little from the text, this was also because my very first deck of Tarot was in French and I really didn’t (nor still do) have an aptitude for certain languages. I experimented and tinkered with Tarot for a while and then put them aside until later when I became smitten with becoming Solitaire; a character played by Jane Seymour in Live and Let Die, which was a James Bond Movie. In it Solitaire is Priestess to a Voodoo/Houdon sect, she foresees events using Tarot cards and of course becomes the main love interest for Bond. While I didn’t see myself as being the love interest for Bond, I did have a desire to become able to foresee events through the Tarot, so I bought the Tarot of the Witches and tried my hardest to replicate her ways… Unsuccessfully…

 

 

It be further year before I would fulfil the role of Solitaire to a degree and then four years before I would go through my second awakening, and this paradigm shift would shake my very foundations and strip me of my self importance and take me back to basics. It was a massive awakening when I faced the possibility of death, I had to take responsibility for my own fate, and in the run up to the car hitting me, I experienced every reality and choice. Staying in the car, getting out and sitting on the embankment, crossing to the other side of the road and even getting out and trying to attract their attention. Needless to say I stayed in the car and experienced being thrown out of my body and then wrenched back into it after a matter of seconds. A huge gift of an experience (and one I wouldn’t ever like to repeat) but I raged against the gift for a long time and blamed everyone including myself. The trauma really stayed and hid in me for a great many moons and was responsible for my self destructive journey until eventually after experiencing a form of energetic rape, I broke the cycle.

Not long after breaking the cycle, I realised that the relationship that I was in, wasn’t healthy and that the lifestyle I had been leading was self sabotaging my happiness amongst other things and it took my best friend to point this out in the car at well after midnight as I was heading home from another night out. It took another year before things changed and I was summoned back into service, prior to my summons into service, the person I had been learning from had left, and I had neglected my spiritual studies in favour of a hedonistic lifestyle, partly I blamed the higher side for not protecting me, but also for protecting me and teaching me the biggest lesson that I would not understand for some years…

 

 

Returning to service brought a cycle to an end because I spent time learning in Spiritual churches, faithfully being a member of the National Union of Spiritualists and not only one but two churches, until I realised that all I was giving was money and I wasn’t receiving anything in return, it became obvious that the same cycle of bullying, bitching and unspiritual like behaviours also occurred in this movement and it was happenstance that brought it to light, I had my own shop unit in the city and worked very hard to keep it afloat for a year and a half, during this time as a member of the main spiritual church in the city, I overheard and then was confronted with hypocrisy at its best. It amounted to being very open about my line of work and being told that as a spiritual member of the church I shouldn’t be openly working in the public domain… It wasn’t long before I left, but I would have two more dealings with that church one taught me about my abilities and the other opened the door to my platform work.

 

 

Since starting this journey and learning all that I have whether it has been through working with others or being taught by the highest side of life, I have come to understand that all of these experiences have been gifts of awakening, the paradigm shifts from within my consciousness have been true awakenings of the Kundalini, the compassionate action of Karuna, the experiential knowledge of the Muni-Qi and the reconnection to the Angelic energies and the stability of the Usui Ways of Reiki. The integration and awakening through de-armouring has reconnected all part of me and at some point I have come into the knowledge that this is my last lifetime having a human experience. I have found that this last few weeks have been a serious challenge but I also realise that I have in process.

As I come into the latter half of 2017, I am preparing to put all my skills into use, I am getting ready to finalise many of the skills I have learnt in massage, round off my skills in Chinese Medicine, and also start preparing the next phase of not only my business but my career as well. This is what it means for me at least to start living within Sacred Possibilities; I’m quite content to continue manifesting my life as it is, you see this is the bit that took me twenty plus years to learn and come to terms with, I manifested the biggest lesson, my car accident was something I needed to go through in order to force change, otherwise I would have been on a path of self destruction and most likely succeeded…

 

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No Such Thing As A Toxic Man…

venting time

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It is not that often that I take to my site and speak my mind, it’s not that often that I have call to speak my mind if I am honest, but recently I find that there are have been a spate articles that are dehumanising and belittling men and masculinity. I tend to call it the Trunchbull Effect or the Matilda Syndrome, it derives from that saying “I’m Big, You’re Small…” or “I’m right and you’re wrong…” today I came across this notion of ‘Toxic Masculinity‘ and that was enough.

 

 

Toxic Masculinity‘ in a nutshell is another constructed form of gender stereotyping, where it is defining how masculinity is perceived and how a man should act in accordance with archaic societal expectations that are only perpetuated by Hollywood and the Media at large. Gender stereotyping is about as backwards as you get. That is of course unless you work in Social sciences, Print or Broadcasting Media, in which case gender is used to profile, stereotype and target sell to as much of the populus as possible but generally speaking it is as much use as a chocolate teapot!

 

 

reflection

Before I continue, I’d like to point out that I have never really had a male role model outside of family. I learnt how not to be masculine through the education system and also learnt that no matter how much I would have liked to have been supported at school and even college; it wasn’t going to happen because of the laws and by-laws that were inbuilt to the education system and also Scots Laws as well, and they would not be repealed until the turn of the century, but thanks to those laws and by-laws I learnt about how not to be a man of that time, and as I hold up a mirror and watch the reflections being cast, I see now that I have a lot of be thankful for even through the bullying.

 

 

bull

Although I was told that I wasn’t a lot of things either verbally or non-verbally through being bullied, I also realised that it was just enough pain to forge the strength that I have now; that because of the by-laws and laws of that time, they did me a solid in that I learnt how to be my kind of human, and my kind of man. One with just enough of everything to be rounded and just enough ‘damage’ to be driven to move forward.

 

 

The only trouble was that until recently I never really fully appreciated the life lessons from these experiences. I was too limited in my view of my experiences; school hasn’t really taught me much, a great deal of my numeracy skills came from having to work with colours, perm lotions and peroxide strengths for a few years. As for my literacy skills they have come from writing dissertations for family, projects for college and the occasional NaNOWri or feature length story arcs on forums. True school and college taught me about reading, my dyslexia, dyscalculia and dyspraxia as well. However bullying at college level taught me about just how toxic femininity can be as well, its not easy being the only man on a hairdressing course and being turned into public enemy for no other reason than because I was male; however in 2017, it’s not permissible to suggest that just as there is a Toxic Masculinity there is also a Toxic Femininity.

 

 

noface

What I find very troubling these days is that how much of a mirror I am witnessing, except this mirrored reflection is showing me that this ‘attack’ against masculinity is insipid, because it is two pronged; on the one side you have the ‘men did this’ meaning rape, murder, subjugation etc but also you have the ‘be a man’ where men have to be the providers, progenitors of the family line, kings, soldiers etc essentially men are told they aren’t allowed to have emotions. This is the type of message that I kept getting through school, college and even to some degree the career or working world. At no time was I told that I could have the career path that I am forging now. The concept of Toxic isn’t just limited to one gender it is a systemic flaw in the way society works, it is not about acceptance it is about fitting in, the tactics of the bully have just changed to fit the times.

 

 

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It took a lot for me to rediscover myself, I’ve had to readdress the inner balance, hold myself into account for all my actions, both the best and the worst; I had permitted society to dictate my ‘normal’ and I believed that I was the worst, the worst driver because I wasn’t going as fast as others, the worst at being in business because I don’t use Facebook, Twitter or the many other platforms or because I keep my prices low, even though I know my worth. I also noticed that Society tried to dictate how I was supposed to love as well, and by that I was supposed to marry, have a child to a woman and so on, but as it happens I chose to marry a man and we intend to have children when the time is right for us.

 

 

This is where Gender Toxicity becomes Toxic Society, because the archaic ideals are being perpetuated by institutions that haven’t grown or evolved. Yes there are plenty of wonderfully fluffy or scary articles on the subject of human evolution or raising awareness but normally they are right along side those wonderfully targeted adverts for – INSERT ANY OLD BRAND NAME HERE – and they’ll excuse it because they need the revenue, umm no! If you were that evolved or that caring about your fellow human you wouldn’t have them. Let me clarify something before I move on, there are those who make their living from using advertising; that is a conscious choice made by an individual. The type of article I refer to are the clickbait, where it is a rehash telling of another article on another site usually owned by the same parent company…

 

 

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It is not that surprising to me that as we progress, there is a need for connection on a realistic level; however we are not taught to connect neither at the human level or the intimate level; everything I learnt about intimacy was either through books, videos or pornography, yes that’s right more so when I wanted to learn how I should be with a man, I had to rely on How to Videos, Pornography and Women’s Magazines, we are not taught how to be intimate with others or even how to have a human experience with another, all that is out there is how to make babies and do it doggy style because that is how afraid the archaic system is of human connection.

 

 

Imagine what would be to feel and be in perfection with another? True perfection, at the moment we glamourise and sexualise practically everything, from sexualised Tarot Cards to sexualising children for the purposes of looking good while performance dancing and yet this is normalised and excused. There is nothing wrong with performance dancing, gymnastics or anything else for that matter I used to figure skate when I was a lot younger, the point that I am trying to get across is that as soon as you put out there on the Televisual media, as soon as you put it into a glossy magazine, they are looking to sexualise and glamourise it up so as to get ratings; it is no longer about a troupe doing routines it becomes about how eye catching and glamorous children as young as 3 or 5 can be for a television executive and their camera.

 

 
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I didn’t start out writing this proclaiming to know all the answers, nor did I start out with the intention of defending all men; I started out with one aim, to point out the inherent flaws in clickbait articles, gender pigeon holing, stereotyping and also to point out that both genders can be just as toxic as each other but the Politically Correct brigade and their censorship police would rather men and masculinity be the problem rather than the society and the bully mentality that exists within it. The mindset is so entrenched in holding back the years, creating barriers to genuine connection, awareness of human sexuality and true intimacy that the whole idea of gender is become fluid, which in itself is awesome and scares the old guard, gender is just another barrier, holding the old ways in place.

 

 

Imagine what would be to feel and be in perfection with another? This is not about raging against the machine, anarchy or devolution of society, as some might think. The whole point is this – We have our laws to keep us safe, stifling though they are at times as long as we understand their place and value, we just get on with our lives in all their glorious technicolour; we drive at the right speeds, do business as we see fit and avoid the clickbait articles as much as possible. It is time acknowledge that there is a whole culture of sexualisation for profit and start moving on towards openness. If we are to survive then we need to move out of the past, give history its place and start forging a new mindset. Start by embracing this notion that sexuality isn’t dirty and it doesn’t revolve around gender, porn or glossy imaging; it is time to start stepping into our awareness that we are more than just a some of our parts and more than just parts to someone else’s ideology of society.

 

 

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Tarot Blog Hop | Jay’s Musings | Reiki Blog Hop


To Boldly Go… My Journey So Far…

My Journey So Far…

WhoisI have this sense that this year is a huge year of change for me, and part of the change has already started. It’s chosen to start here at my website, you see this is the time of year where everything gets renewed, it is Imboloc, the start of spring and the stirring of new life. This is my time for renewal of everything as well, at this point its the site; so I decided that it was time to renew some of the pages and update my information.
 
It is around this time that I often look back at the journey I have taken so far; if you have come to the site before then you might be familiar with the background. Originally my business was born out of a promise that I made to my dad as I walked him to the threshold between this life and the higher side or spirit world. I began with Tarot Readings and Clairvoyant demonstrations, renting a room in a salon near by to home. This opened a door to platform demonstrations at Spirituality Churches, something that I had always wanted to do but never thought it would be possible.
 
RayofLightTowards the end of that year, I kept receiving flashback memories to do with a conversation that had happened four years previously. The conversation had revolved around a system of healing called Reiki, now at that point four years ago, I stored that information away as “something to look into at a later date” and this seemed to be the later date. It is funny to think how I wasn’t able to see my boyfriend (now husband) due to the weather being really bad, which led me to caving in and asking about the importance of the memories that kept replaying that evening. It was dad that came through and said to me that I needed to spend the evening looking into Reiki rather than spending it wishing everyone a happy new year online.
 
book_glassesI remember spending a majority of that evening doing that very thing, I kept finding out that it was a system of hands on healing, gentle and very kind. The conflicting information seemed to be around the cost and where you learnt it. I reached an impasse and could not venture any further forward with my investigation at that time. However on the eve of 2013, as I kept having this feeling and accompanying set of memories from four years earlier; these specific memories to do with a system of healing known as Reiki, were leading me somewhere. I did not know what form it was going to take or how I was going to achieve it. After spending most of 2012 in a very strange place, grieving at the physical loss of my dad but at peace in the knowledge that he was in a better place. I had focused on my studies with the Open University and also with BSY.
 
Now here I was at the very start of 2013 and I encountered (although I did not know it) my first Angelic presence, the voice directly me to look up a lady that I had worked with and had a great deal of time and respect for. On her site was a name, the name of my Usui Reiki Master Teacher. In earnest I began to look over and learn about Reiki from the different sites that I had booked marked and I decided to follow what Dad and the presence of the Angel had suggested and got in touch. It was four years ago this month that I gained my Usui Reiki Level I and by the April of that same year, I would be trained as a Practitioner in Usui Reiki.
 
angels-announcing2014, which was the following year, was a very interesting year. I became a fully trained Usui Reiki Master Teacher, not once but twice and I was introduced to Angelic Reiki. Going on the Angelic Reiki Practitioners Workshop, opened my eyes but confused the hell out of me at the exact same time. I had gone from hosting an Evening of Clairvoyance at my place of work, to being invited by the chair of a local spiritualist church to do the platform of her church. This soon developed into taking the services in many of the other churches within the area, a service that I very much enjoy and continue to do.
 
It took me a year but I returned to the Angelic Reiki journey; I started off by redoing my Practitioners and once again it opened my eyes and I began to see that this journey of Reiki is ongoing and that you are led by the Reiki energy to follow the flow no matter where it takes you. In the gap between the first time and the second time, I had gone mobile and branched out into doing House Parties and Public Demonstrations of Clairvoyance, something that is very different to doing Church services. I was taught valuable lessons, about the differences and it was also a year where I was in the position to teach groups about Spiritual Development and taking on Reiki students as well.
 
feng-shui-astrologyHowever it was not until 2015 that I realised exactly what this would mean for me. By the end of 2014, I felt that it was time to make some needed changes to both my way of life and also to my business life and so I decided that it was time to change my business name and adopt a less stressful business ethos and practice. I realised that if I was getting stressed and strung out then I was not living the same teachings I was passing on to others. It was at the same time I knew that I had to return to Angelic Reiki, and so during 2015 I went back to the practitioners workshop again and received an awakening at the core of my being. It woke me to my purpose and the reality of being me, something that profoundly changed not only the way I work but also my understanding as well.
 
Angelic Reiki raised my vibration and helped me to realise that I had a very deep and rich history with Angelic energies and also the Angels themselves. I decided that I wanted to further my journey and completed my Masters followed soon after by completing the Teachers as well. In everything that I do I follow the Reiki way, it is not just a therapy treatment for me it is a way of life, I very much adhere to the ancient Shinto practises, in that I honour the ancestors, as I honour the universe, spirit (not limited to just loved ones) as well as honouring every human life whether I actually like the person or not, I honour the fact they have that spark of life and light.
 
feng-shui-astrologyThroughout 2016, I found that once again my life and outlook began to go through changes; I had started to learn massage therapies as I felt that they had important role to play with Reiki, I also went through a great awakening as the more I connected to my Sojourn and to the divinity of the universe both inside and outside; I found and discovered that I really needed to become true to myself both personally and professionally. Last year was a year of massive shifts and changes, it began after my first time teaching Angelic Reiki; one of the important realisations that I have come to with any teaching is that I facilitate learning; I open the door and the students take themselves through that door and learn very quickly what it means to experience Angelic Reiki, or Usui Reiki. They come to understand (eventually) that it is more about being than it is about doing, sometimes you need to experience and follow the natural flow and that also applies to myself.
 
connectedI became aware that I had to shift some major past life karma, and that I also needed to fully awaken the Kundalini energy that is apart of who I am. These both play vital roles in my journey and also it required me to let go and also come home to myself as well, in order to progress and move forward with my work. So I signed myself up to doing a sacred de-armouring workshop, it is not for the faint of heart but it makes a difference and really does bring home the idea of being in a physical body as well as having an energy form as well. This also led me to doing ancestral work, which made such a difference and allowed me to experience release at the same time. This also opened up to the very unpleasant side of the work that I do and can be involved with.
 
I have always found myself in the presence of the best teachers, the best facilitators and I have over time realised why this is. As a person that has various learning and biological complications, I find that I am placed in situations with the best people that work with these rather than against them. They have either helped me to recognise these thing for what they are, or they have helped me to overcome or turn them into strengths. However the flip side of this is that it has shown me beyond the veil of pretence and hyperbole; as for every great facilitator or teacher there is one who is not that great.
 
meRecently I have discovered that much of what I had believed or been led into believing belonged to others, I have been through a lot in order to come home and start to embody my sojourn, my beliefs and also take what I have been taught and put it across in away that makes sense to others. It’s not sitting well with people, in fact it has caused me a great deal of problems for the better part of nine months. I will also be upfront and honest by saying that it has caused a lot of damage on the personal and professional level and I am over being told who I am and who I am not by the spectators of my life in the peanut gallery of hearsay and rumour.
 
I take my work very seriously and I honour what I have been taught but I will also honour what I am feeling and how I am being led by the flow of Reiki and also the calling of Source and Divine Will. This means that it is time to allow natural evolution and the ebb and flow of source to guide. I follow that flow and allow it to show me what needs to be on any given workshop or with any given client because at that moment it is perfect, and the student or the client gets what they need not what is being prescribed by some formula, there are standards and I will always adhere and work within those standards.
 
meI’d love to say that this has been the easy part, giving you the reader information about who I am but believe me when I say it’s really the hardest part of it. I have read so many about pages, as I would image you have as well and they all have the customary ‘selfie’ and then go into this huge textual glorification about how they have been this and then one day had an epiphany and were suddenly encouraged by their great grandmother, mother or some other person to go out into the world and share their gift and so on… Well like so many children up to around the age of 4 or 5 I was gifted, the difference with me I never had it bred out of me by school, my peers or even my family. If anything because I was bullied throughout the latter years of primary (elementary for those of you outside the UK) and all through Secondary education it made the connection to spirit stronger and allowed me the chance to hone the psychic skills as well.
 
Throughout my further education I was always interested in the esoteric and supernatural. It became a hobby of mine and it led me into developing a very deep passion for not only the Tarot Cards but Spiritual communication as well, something that as you have read I continue working with today, however as well as platform I also do Trance work (channelling) as well as transfiguration work (spiritually my features change). I love all aspects of my work, they have been my life since I was born really. As I said above Reiki is not just a therapy or a method of healing for me, Reiki is who I am, I live and work with it each and every day of my life.


Balance: Approaching the Path to Yin/Yang Understanding

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Challenging Your Perceptions…

 

To challenge and in return be challenged is a gift, although if I am honest, I do not always see it as such. Unless I am writing an article for the Tarot Blog Hop or Reiki Blog Hop then a lot of what I am writing is Soul-Felt. Recently I have found myself on the receiving end of more than one challenge. During Sacred De-armouring I was confronted with my own tourist like behaviours in all kinds of situations. It wasn’t an easy thing to deal with but the gift I received wasn’t just knowledge but also truth; an uncomfortable truth at that.

 

To be shown that sometimes you can be wrong, isn’t something I was ready to feel or possibly even accept. I avoided the concept like I avoided the concept that things could be perfect, complete opposite ends of the same spectrum and I had to face both over the course of one weekend. Now here I am a few weeks later confronting that same lesson but this time I don’t have that feeling, I read through an article that at first thought well yes! I must be wrong in my thought processes, but then I processed it a little more and thought about an old notion that I was told some years ago.

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‘Twice is Conformation’

 

It’s something that has time and again shown itself to be accurate for me, when I am writing a paper for a course or doing a project I fact check and I will make note of the places that I gain information from. Typically I will go to my books first and then I will come to the internet and if all else fails I will ask someone before I will go to Wikipedia. It is rare for me to state that I know something for certain or make any definites I only speak from my experience and my own knowledge base. I have had a lot of my work and words validated over the last 20 – 24 years and that includes anything that I have done with regards to Tarot or Spirituality.

 

The one thing I have grown tired of saying in all that time is I’m dyslexic, it has become this badge I continually have to wear almost like a caution for the ignorant or those too lazy to take the time to read posts and pages properly. It will almost always come up at some point in a conversation with someone who doesn’t know me that well and in those instances it’s actually fine, and I don’t mind, I think that other thing I have grown weary or maybe just wary of is just how limited the perception others can have. I mean I am the one with the reading issue and yet I end up having to walk someone through a train of thought that is fairly self explanatory.

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Words Have No Emotion Unless Spoken or Framed in Context…

 

We use words, sentences and paragraphs every moment of life, even as babies before we grasped what words were; we had our unique language and then we were gifted the ability to structure that unique language with words that belonged to our race, country and place of birth. Throughout time we have been able to attach emotions to the words spoken and written words in a book when framed correctly evoke the right emotion, but words in a text message and certainly in a messenger window, don’t have emotion; they are just words and yet there is an almost incessant need to attach an emotion to them.

 

Maybe it is something that I have gained from the on and off years I have been doing Tai Chi or the connections that I have made between Reiki, Taoism and Buddhist philosophies but I have come to realise that where the internet and indeed social media are concerned there is no point in creating attachments to the words that authors write on pages or feeds. To personalise something that may or may not be about you only causes you the emotion, the other person is oblivious to the fact you are having those feelings. In fact to show that you are reacting only make that person stronger, so sometimes it is best to just walk away from it.

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Shattering Me…

 

A this point I feel I want to start rounding up some of the threads that are within this post, mainly to help you understand where this is all leading to. As for me I already know because I am the author, so let me start with something that I mentioned at the start about tourist behaviours; these are behaviours such as making and stating very grand things but not really having that much conviction or explanation behind them, they are said to see what reaction can be evoked, its not really done in malice or badness it’s a defence mechanism that I employed to try make friends or at least hide behind a pretense and observe people without really being in the moment or having a genuine feeling or connection.

 

It is almost as if a moment is a transitory experience and it doesn’t actually matter, when the reality is, that every moment does matter, regardless of how transitory it might appear to be. There are other examples as well but the best one to really see yourself through your own eyes is to remove your name, for a day or in the right kind of workshop just remove your name, or give yourself another one and see what happens. When I chose to do that very thing, I saw myself through the eyes of others and it changed me. At first I was actually repulsed by the words that others had said to me, eventually after trying to hold it together I broke, I needed to break and needed the release because in doing so I found myself, well the start of it anyway.

 
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Finding Myself Again…

 

In the process of finding myself, I rediscovered something that I again touched on at the start, my ability to fact check; you see I don’t enter into a post without knowing my thoughts, feeling my knowledge and owning my understanding. So I will check out the meaning of a word, and I will also from that meaning surmise that from a particular view point that word may have an expanded or perhaps even deeper meaning than may first be considered. I will give you a recent example that has created a bit of a problem.

 

Ancient and Arcane two words that for me have very similar meanings and also for me I used them with specific context. Even before I began to type this paragraph I chose to look up both words in order to clarify my thinking and I am happy that from my own perceptions its correct.

 

The word Ancient can mean: “Ancient(adj); old; that happened or existed in former times, usually at a great distance of time; belonging to times long past; specifically applied to the times before the fall of the Roman empire; opposed to modern; as, ancient authors, literature, history; ancient days“.

 

The word Arcane can mean: “Arcane(adj) understood by few; mysterious or secret.”arcane procedures for electing people” synonyms: mysterious, secret, hidden, concealed, covert, clandestine, enigmatic, dark; esoteric, obscure, abstruse, recondite, little known, recherché, inscrutable, impenetrable, opaque, incomprehensible, cryptic, occult “the arcane world of the legal profession” antonyms: well known, open

 

So let me walk this through for you, to explain why I feel these two words can be used in a specific context. Arcane as you can see “understood by few; mysterious or secret” and Ancient as you are also aware and can see “old; that happened or existed in former times” by our modern day standards Arcane knowledge is also Ancient knowledge because it is now not known or understood by few and has become mysterious and secret because of its age and because it existed in a former time (Source: definitions.net & google.co.uk)

 

However this notion of word usage and context has as I say become a problem, and made me address this idea of being wrong or misinformed. It’s like my knowledge base as well, I have studied many subjects within the esoteric movement from parapsychology, numerology, character analysis, astrology and the list goes on, I have studied tarot but I learnt through doing not through books, I only chose to get a certification because I felt being out in the public domain I had better have something that shows my worth. The books I have on the subject vary from 1800’s through to 2016 and somehow I don’t think I would just ‘bin them’ because my thoughts on the matter clash with someone else. (you can see the entire saga here)

 
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A Matter of Balance and Opinion

 

If I believe I am wrong I will admit to it, if another suggests that I am wrong or that my knowledge is fallible then that is also something that I will admit to as I did on the Sacred weekend, however on here on this blog or this site, I am prepared to dig my heels in and not exactly fight but state my case from my understanding until either an impasse is reached or I realise that there is no power in the words and it is opinion. In which, case I am no longer afraid of suggesting that the opinion is actually wrong. True there will be times when both opinions are right or indeed wrong, but at the end of the day, does that even matter?

 

The soul of the matter for me is direct and straightforward, opinion like fact is based on someone having written the words to begin with and then having others back-up, verify and give pundits or accreditation to those words. Then through time the words soon become thought of as fact and eventually even historical fact; whether they are right or wrong; Freud is a good example of this, many still accept his work as historical fact but many others find his work to be flawed and outdated by our modern day standards and yet many still adhere to his works and reference them.

 

I said at the very start of this to challenge and be challenged is a gift; it may not always be welcomed but it is a gift none the less. I have received several gifts of challenge and the way I process and make sense of them is to write it out. Like I have done here; I know my mind, my knowledge and own my understanding, I am happy and content to have that peace, I am also content that some days I may be wrong and my opinion may be wrong but you know something… Today really isn’t that day…


Narcissist – Is it really such a bad term?

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The Trouble with Narcissism…

There was a time when I would have actually thought that Narcissism was a very bad thing as society and culture generally would have me believe but over the last few weeks I have really started to wonder about whether it is. I have two contrasting thoughts about it but somewhere along the line these contrasting thoughts have met in the middle and formed a union of opposites. A yin/yang balance so to speak.

 

On the one hand there is this popular belief that to be self-indulgent, talk about yourself and ignore everyone else is the start of narcissism. Programs like Ex On The Beach, TOWIE, Real Housewives and so on seem to focus on this idea that money, power, orange tan lines, bad hair and massive eyelashes are what the viewing public is interested in; but also its more than that this idea that self glorification is somehow bad. There is actually a lot of negative connotations to the self perpetuation where the focus of it is looks, material wealth and glamour, this idea that bigger the breast the more chance a footballer will want to date you; or the bigger the muscle, blonder the hair and the deeper more bronzed tan, will get some porn star model with a DD chest to fall for you; is bad, and has such a vapid negative connotation that it goes beyond narcissism and into borderline stupidity.

 

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It’s Not that Simple?

 

I find it troubling that there is a recent spate of what you could call anti-self love information graphics, doing the rounds on social media. It made me ask the internal question – Is there a difference between the selfie and narcissistic posts that say look at me? – Surely it’s not that simple; is constant posing for the camera and posting the image to social media and a selfie every few days/weeks different? Is saying I love being me and I love me two completely separate entities? Surely you can’t have one without the other, and to those who post up selfies and then post up informational graphics that tell the casual viewer how bad it is to adore or whatever yourself, is that not hypocritical?

 

Why is it fine to post up about how good self love is and why it is needed, but then also tell the casual viewer how bad it is because it’s now suddenly been rebranded as narcissism? Recently I have begun to get comfortable in my own skin and also spend time actually posting on social media, things to help people think about themselves and their behaviours; by the standards that your informational graphics set, this would now mean my posts are in some way not self promotional, but typical of someone with so called narcissistic personality disorder…

 

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Time to Re-think YOUR Behaviours…

 

A word to the ‘wise’ maybe it’s time for you to change, not those of us who are actually comfortable with speaking out, writing our thoughts and breaking with the normal – which seems to be using someone else’s word and/or preach about love and light; let me tell you why, you can’t have the light without the dark and you can’t know love without first understanding hate. Yes! in case you’re wondering I actually do know them both quite intimately, and neither of them are nice. I have only learnt about the true language of light, because it saw me through my dark night of my soul. I only learnt to give and accept love unconditionally, because I spent most of my teenage social life learning what hate was, in all its multi-coloured darkness.

 

In business like life you have to know your trade and have a good sound knowledge base, no matter where it comes from. Self-love is brilliant and it needed at this time, so is recognising that narcissism is a tool; you actually need it if you are going to survive life as well as being in business. Regardless of whether you’re a sole trader, part-time or employed by a company, the ‘me, me, me’ is used to sell, sell, sell!

It is when the ego roams unchecked, preaching to all and sundry about love, light and how blessed we are to know you or about you that there is a problem; You become a lesson and also a gift; the lesson that you become is the very one you have been telling the viewership about. The gift is learning not to become the same said lesson.

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Uneasy Lies the Mirror…

 

Now here is something that is really going to bake your noodle… If you have been reading through this and by now you’re ready to launch into the comments with some kind of tirade or you’re going to hunt me out on social media in the belief that you have to call me out because I am talking about you… That says more about you than it does about me, but here is where I flip you over and bake the other side – the biggest question of all I pose is this, why does it offend you? I have not mentioned names, I haven’t spoken about anything specific and further to that most of these images bar one have come from google through a general search and there is only one that came from social media and it turned up because I was looking for it.

 

Just as I wait for the timer to count down from the baking, I’d actually like to point out that I don’t actually have anyone in mind. In general from social media alone I think I know maybe 300+ people, of that 300+ I am on friendly terms with most and I know about half of that total number in person or through personal interaction via the internet; so no, none of this is specifically about you or anyone else, only you have made it about you and that is the difference here.

To me this is a post on traits that I have noticed on my social media feeds and through media consumption generally. It is also a commentary on how narcissist seems to mean, the insecure put the secure ones down and how for the jealous and the envious it is a word that claims a person is narcissistic because and then list all their reasons.

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I’m Big, You’re Small…

Meanwhile (for me), these behaviours remind me of Matilda and in particular the character of Trunchbull and her bully tactics. Most of the time now I am reminded of the line I’m Big, You’re Small… It is always the ones who aren’t as comfortable in their own skin that cry wolf and scream narcissist. Yet these very same ones that do that have the loudest walls or the largest social media presence; try to have the biggest following, and look for the biggest amount of self gratification and yet they have no ego, apparently…

As for me, well I am still getting used to speaking my mind and also used to the problems that this brings, I seem to have developed the knack for de-armouring the light and fluffy using words. It makes people in that comfort zone jangle and forces them to think about the potential that not everything is light, rainbows and unicorns… Thing is, I am getting to be okay with that, because that’s my dharma and seems to be apart of who I am becoming…